Gearing Up

One of my many afternoons spent at the waterfall with the dogs.

In just under two weeks I will have hit the one year mark of my return from South Africa, Lesotho, England and France. I will hit the one year of my dramatic (for me) ending, with an envelope in my hand sitting on a bench outside a cathedral in the city of Paris holding back tears. That recap can be found on my other blog, "Exploring Jai." Last year I returned to the U.S. absolutely devastated and broken. The transformation in just this one year has humbled me.
First of all let me say that I could not have done it without the love of my family, especially my parents, the comradery of my sisters, and the innocent joy of my niece and nephew. When I told my dad about my Student VISA rejection without missing a beat he said, "Come home and start over." And I did.

My immediate family this past Thanksgiving. These were our last holidays spent with our Aunt Pam (upper left) this year.

The whole reconstruction of my life seemed to take baby steps at first. Initially I focused on my internal approach to my recent failure. I am not afraid of the worth failure anymore, by the way. Running and meditation became daily exercises. I focused on growing and never losing the passion that I had discovered while in South Africa. I refused to let myself settle again. I found healing in the autumn colors of North Carolina, wrapping their arms around me in comfort like a familiar blanket. I discovered a species of salamander that had taken me years to find. In hindsight, an omen. My renewal began like a trickle as I was just trying to rediscover my trail.

Two of the best farm companions a girl could ask for. Definitely made me feel safer exploring the dry valley bushveld on my own.

My campsite at Imfolozi Game Reserve.

Then I found an "in-the-meantime" job, bought a truck, made great new friends, applied for volunteer positions. Every job offer in my field of study seemed to required years of experience or, yep, a Masters Degree (which is what I was suppose to be earning in England). Slaps in the face. I shrugged them off but they sunk deeper with each job rejection that so many of us know I began to wonder where I was headed. I respected those who attempted to comfort me but the internal truths of each decline weighed heavy on an already loaded heart. I celebrated the littlest of successes. I began to wake up and immediately think of something to be grateful for.

Then March came and volunteer educator position opened up within the USFS. I figured I would put in "x" number of months or years with the USFS before having enough experience that they might consider hiring me. Within a couple of weeks their non-profit partner offered me an internship opening. I was doing something I love. Finally. And the trickle grew to a steady flow. Life came back into my spirit. The idea of trying for graduate school again seeped out the deep crevices of my mind where I had hastily harbored them to. I began to looking forward.

View of some of the cliffs at MNR.

And now here I am. Somewhat finding myself in a similar position as March 2014- looking forward to a trip to South Africa and thinking about graduate school. South Africa last year easily captured me. The drive to Mhlopeni Nature Reserve hooked me instantaneously.  I was thriving and swimming in new discoveries of myself and of a new world filled with flora and fauna of such rich diversity. From one of my early posts:

                "Ordinary tasks become way cooler when the sounds of African mammals are calling in the distance. Hanging my laundry earlier I could hear the zebra yelping in the valley. On most mornings while I eat breakfast I sit on the verandah and watch a gray Lanner falcon at its nest on the facing cliff. Just now I hear impala barking at each other near the stream below."

Up on top of one of the mountains surrounding MNR. A massive termite mound.

Now I am gearing up for this new adventure! Be sure to read up on the "Exploring Jai" blog come early November. The spitting cobras won't be in hibernation this time, and my plans take me into explorations underwater. My heart is returning to the wild landscapes that took me in and made me stronger, better.

Sunset over the river on our last night at Imfolozi Wilderness Leadership School. Life changing.

"Since watching a family of nine giraffe and a colony of bats during dusk across the river from our campsite in Imfulozi, I have acknowledged something stirring. My time at the waterfall yesterday afternoon opened me up to what that may be. And it's scary! But there are exciting times ahead, as long as my heart stays straight."

All Eyes on You, 2014

Tonight I kept up with my longstanding tradition of voluntarily spending New Year's alone. A couple of them

My blurry image of this prime, quiet spot for ultimate firework
viewing.

were spent on the dock listening to the neighbors' party guests yell out the countdown, reading Frankenstein in my parents' living room, just flat out asleep, and one or two others. Last year I broke that tradition and spent it with a large crowd of loved peoples, and my first New Year's kiss since I was 14'ish. This year, alone on a milk crate with a 180 degree view of Town Lake and fireworks filling the skyline it felt good to get back into the old ways as lonely as they may be. If there were a duck nearby, I would have grabbed it and given it a kiss.

I am a being of reflection. So much so that I make the reflection of the Tetons over a glacial lake on a still day look blurry. If you've ever questioned my ability to reflect, then you don't know me that well and have obviously never visited this blog before. And that is not to say that I reflect well or in the right direction. But if a day goes by that I have not reflected on it, then it means something bigger must be on my mind.

So naturally New Year's is a time where everyone reflects on their past 364 days.

And naturally I fall into that year after year.

But this year....

Nope.

I know a lot of people that have had a much worse 2013 than I could imagine. It really seems it just has been a tough year for many people. At times it felt like I was wading through glue. 2013 did not really give me much. I moved to a new city and worked full time. That's the gist of it. But really, I didn't receive anything most likely because I didn't give anything either. And with all the people that I have met that are absolutely deserving of good fortune and an easy break, who am I to ask for better? Many out there truly deserve better.

So if I am not reflecting (anymore at least because let's be honest I've been reflecting about 2013 on an hourly basis all year) then what am I doing?

Just trying to keep my head up and move forward because I am sick and tired of getting tossed flaming bags of dog poop every time I attempt to take a step. That's over. Do you hear that, 2014? It's over. 2013 was a bully and now we are playing by my rules, and I promise I will try to return to my passions, inspirations, curiosities, and affections for travel.

If you've had a tough 2013, I am here to state again: 2014 is going to be better. It just has to be.

Type 9 With a 1 Wing

Let's talk about the Enneagram shall we?

First of all, when you search the leading sites regarding the Enneagram (ie. enneagraminstitutue; enneagram.net, etc), you may find that this personality theory, based from hundreds to thousands of years of spiritual oral tradition, is all about fluffing up your traits. When a lot of people look into these things they want to know the good things about themselves, and so naturally websites will focus on the pros and only lightly touch on the cons. This is not what the Enneagram is truly based upon.

So for example, a label is often associated with each personality type. I am a type 9 and most websites label this type as "Peacemaker." However, the essence of the Enneagram is based upon how we have trained ourselves to survive, labeled as compulsions. Our personality is a "sin," where sin is defined as anything that is a hindrance to our true selves. So instead of being labeled as a peacemaker, I should be labeled by my compulsion: Avoidance of Conflict. I desire for everything and everyone to be in a state of harmony but to do that I have adapted an avoidance of conflict. I am not saying that there aren't positive traits to each type, but the base of the Enneagram is to discover our true selves and reach a sense of spiritual enlightenment, so to say. In order to do this we have to whap down the fluff and get to the real, gritty core.

http://www.enneagramwork.com/welcome.html -This sites provides ways for others to relate with personality types.

http://www.enneagram.net/types.html -A good sites for more detailed descriptions of each type.

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/dis_sample_36.asp#.UpgJCoXbJr0 -Short, 36 question test. I like that this site gives traits at different levels of personal health.

My roommate has a book that details the history of the Enneagram and moves through the types on a very deeper basis. It's pretty good. Pretty much 17 times more helpful than the websites I've looked at in pursuing "a journey of self discovery." Fluff will only melt away in your hands, and in the end is just a temporary happy filling. Vices are tangibly harder, and you can have exhilarating battles against them. Coming on top stronger and better. I am currently reading the Hobbit and have had attempted an outlook on life very similar to the adventures of Bilbo and the dwarves.

Being a type 9 makes me intensely empathetic, and I am very happy to be associated with many of the nice traits that can come from obtaining a mentally and physically healthy type 9 personality. But there are truer discoveries to be made when taking the less appealing traits and chewing on them for a while. My dilemma is that I cannot stop putting others before myself and my own needs (as Type 9 graciously points out), but in order to begin the road to self discovery this is exactly what I need to do.

I encourage everyone to take a look at their own personality types via the free short test in the link above. And share with people in your lives. If we could understand that we are all not the same (we all coping in various ways), then we would be able to get along with each other and effectively communicate better.

The world would be a better place. It just would.

Among Other Things, Respect

Full disclosure: The past couple of months have been grueling. Not necessarily bad, just very intense. Just 5 days ago I was prancing around the garden center, choreographing moves to my musical "The Grand Outdoors" and laughing. After a great day of climbing at Camp Eagle this past weekend I sat alone by the river, listened to a toad calling out to the night, watched the moon and clouds reflect brightly over the water and thought to myself, "I have been in a bad mood for a year." And truly, I have.

Over the past several weeks I have tried to maintain a candidness in myself  that I have never before experienced. I have wanted to grow and be completely honest with myself. It is so easy for us to say, "Well, this is not my fault. That other person should have done such and such." Instead of that I may say, "He should have respected me, but I also should have done better at demanding that respect from him with my presence and words.' And that has been my theme this past week: respect.

What I've learned is that there is a fine line between accepting something as disrespectful or receiving an action as a product of the other's personality that isn't intending to be disrespectful and that we cannot change. Because we cannot change personalities of others. But we can say, "When you say/do that, I feel disrespected." And if there personality is of character, then he/she will try to honor that request in the future.

Two nights ago I am hoping was the pinnacle of this rough and rocky terrain. I came home from a great two days of climbing and good times to find that my house had been broken into and my things along with my two roommates' things had been sorted through and taken. It took a few moments for me to realize what happened, I quickly searched the house with my guard up that someone could still be there, and in the loneliness of my new home my nerves began to shatter.

Later that evening I got stung by a honeybee and out of precaution I took a Benadryl. I fell asleep quite early and remained in a state of emotional numbness for 36 hours. Yesterday I just "was." Benadryl is a powerful drug for small people. But I never experienced anger, or the "Why me?" phase. But I did feel disrespected.

Last night I went to bed early out of grogginess, and about midnight I woke and the numbness had been broken. Quickly after that came the breakdown and tears (Boo, poor me.) But they weren't tears for sadness, they weren't tears of frustration. They just came. When you experience 1,001 emotions in just such a short period of time they need a way to escape. And escape they did. I asked for understanding and told myself I am strong until I fell back asleep. "I'm feeling a lot better. I think I will go for a walk." *Monty Python reference*

 No good backpacker knows anything about the terrain by staying in the valley. Sometimes you have to take the grueling 1 mile hike to the top of Pilot mountain in order to see the beautiful overlook of Blue Ridge Parkway with a strong sense of "I did it." And from there, you can know where you are headed.

*

Demolition and the Rebuild

Today as I waited on a friend to come and pick me up I witnessed the demolition of a class Austin small home. All over South Austin unique homes are flattened and boring "eco-friendly" boxes are built in place. The character of Austin is deteriorating at an incredible rate.

It was sad. To see something that contained memories, good and bad, and a 50-year history be destroyed in just a few moments. Demolitions of homes are sad indeed.

But in my own life these past few weeks I have moved through my own demolitions. Dismantling many barriers to find fears behind them, hidden like cockroaches in crevices and just as nasty to look at. There have been moments where I have faced with myself moments of intense honesty and brutal realizations. These tough tidbits are worth it.

I find myself dating back to moments of pain that happened over two years ago that built impenetrable mounds of self preservation. Slowly, I am moving forward until I hit another impediment.

One thing I have discovered is how emotional of a person I am, in all ranges. I am empathetic, I get hurt easily, I cry way more than I like to admit, but it also incredibly easy to bring up my mood. For a long time I have felt there is something wrong with me that I get this way. And there are things I can do to help my mind remain more on ground level. But it is never wrong for me to feel the way I do. My emotions may seem silly and invalidated sometimes, but I know they are. That doesn't mean I can control when those feelings will arise.

To be told that there is no reason for my emotions, or to have them turned into an untruth it attempts for others to explain them, is incredibly hurtful. If you have someone in your life who is emotional, you will drive yourself to anger if you try to reason every inexplicable emotion that person is having. As a society, we fail at letting things go. Recently there are angry videos surrounding the "fraudulent" faint during one of Obama's speeches, where he turned to steady the girl. People just cannot brush it off, whether it is fake or not. But we must be able to let things go when it comes to the people we love in our lives. We don't have to understand everything about them, but we can accept and love them for them. Once we embrace this capacity, then we can love more than we thought imaginable.

Our past is just as much a part of us as the present. We can live in the moment but if we have not come to terms with what has happened to us, then we become infected with the negativity and pain. And, "if we have pain, all we have to offer is pain."

These past few weeks have been quite inspiring, though often at times very tough. But growth is happening and exciting secret plans are being made! I cannot wait for my next move forward.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a mighty tool. But in the past I have falsely believed that maybe there are some things that cannot be forgiven and must be let go of by other means. In years time it may take a major event in order to recognize the negative impact unforgiving has played in one's life. If we never truly let go, then a burden sears anger, lack of patience, and frustration into our daily lives.

In my own, I feel I have been inhibited. That in the past couple of years, especially since graduating from college, I have not nurtured my hobbies and dedication to the natural world. Maybe I have not nurtured these because I never forgave. But the words, "I forgive you" even sound arrogant to me. Shouldn't we more say to another, "I have let go of the grudge,"? Maybe you don't need to be forgiven. And maybe I don't need to be forgiven. But the negative association has been lifted. No one is at fault because we were both at fault. When memories lay heavy on our hearts, they become fetters. We cannot excel in other facets of life because of this limiting factor.

Lately I have been attempting to meditate on the places where I have felt my greatest peace. Tennet Mountain on several occasions, Big Rock Trail in DuPont, the top of Moore Cove waterfall, slowly swimming laps in an empty pool. These images bring back reflections of peace of mind and heart. When I do this I feel a type of emptiness that is followed by rejuvenation. Why have I not done this before? Why have I not given myself the jumpstart that I so longingly desired?

In a while, I have lacked hope of a new beginning. And here is one set in front of me. I am not completely lifted of my fetter, the "unforgivable" act, but I feel the chains loosening. As they do, doors are beginning to open. If I keep those pieces of WNC in my mind, then I am able to tip-toe into the first steps of moving forward.

Great Advice

This is the time in my life when all that advice my wise mentors handed out to me over my childhood should come into good use. I remember hearing several things over the years and thinking to myself, "I really should remember this for the future." I even tried to write all the good ones down, but that seemed to be very short lived.

So where did all that good advice go? Advice doesn't only matter if it is only the pieces that have sunk in to my memory, does it? If that is the case, then the advice someone once gave me about how shaving makes your hair grow back quicker and thicker falls under the "great advice" category. My dad is great with using quotes as excellent pieces of wisdom. He began every soccer season by giving the team a list of encouraging and inspirational stories and snippets. Following his lead, I strove to always have a quote on hand for any occasion. But as it turns out I have the memory of a goldfish and memorization does not bow down willingly. And as it turns out, only using quotes to sound well-read and wise in the ways of the world only makes you look pretentious. Under the surface, I am still aching for a lesson.

I truly hope that I took every piece of advice to heart and that it has seeped into my core. I hope that those words were not wasted. I hope that I have been shaped and molded in a way that I can develop my own experiences in order to obtain my own idioms for the future.

Hol-la-la-lolidays

What an emotionally wild week! I feel that with the distance from my family, I have become more empathetic with them as well. My mom left for a couple of weeks to visit her family in Florida, leaving dad alone at the house. He wasn't there very long before receiving news about the failing health of our Aunt Louise. As the noble man he is, he stayed by her bedside throughout the days and eventually assisted in the very tough decision to cease her life support. All on an Easter weekend. My poor grandmother. Louise is one of her main companions apart from the caretakers constantly in her home.

On my mom's end of the story, she and Aunt Pam drove to the wrong airport on Saturday. The correct adjacent airport wasn't far away but they got stuck in traffic and the airport had closed by the time they reached it. On Easter Sunday mom ran 30 gates to reach her flight to Charlotte in time. I've been in a state of reflection, remorse, anxiousness, wanting, and homesick. Work is definitely a place where I can keep busy and leave issues at the gates. I learn new plants, pet cute doggies, laugh at silly Ferrell cats, and talk with some wonderfully nice people for the most of each day.

Holidays are very weird to me, especially when you think about their origins or how we try to make two things connect into the same day. Santa and baby Jesus. Easter bunny and the resurrection of Christ. Giving thanks to remember a brief moment in long stretch of time when the pilgrims and native Americans communed with one another. But if we didn't have these occasional holidays as reminders to bring families together and inspire goodwill then where would we be? It is nice to have them.

Next up: Cinco de Mayo!

Neat Plants

I have been posting some things in the Neat Nature tab, due to my extension of plant community on my back porch. Most are freebies. But if you wanna check out some neat succulents. Click on that tab!

Fears and Triumphs in Uncertainty

I saw my first Greater Roadrunner (Geococcyx californianus). It was pretty stellar as they are huge, ground-dwelling cuckoos that are like the honey badger of the Southwest states: they just don't give a sh**. They eat everything! True omnivores. Scorpions, lizards, other birds and eggs, and even sometimes two roadrunners combine forces to overcome rattlesnakes for food. When explaining what the roadrunner looked like to Dan, who did not get the luxury of seeing it, I claimed he had the stance of a velociraptor and it seems they are as voracious as one too. Besides the plagues of grackles (yes, they are technically referred to as a plague) that squawk and squeal over my head on my walk to the bus after work, there have not been many cool nature sitings.

But in other aspects of living in Austin, apart from the obvious differences of lush western N.C., we have settled in pretty nicely here. This city is growing rapidly. Many people are moving out, but the numbers of newcomers has shot up over the past few years. There are job opportunities, green spaces and efforts of remaining local and sustainable, and lots of construction. There is a large construction project just on the other side of the fence of our apartment, which we've nicknamed the "Man-Girl Cave", that beeps and vrooms from 6-5 almost everyday.

Our new local crag on the Greenbelt. Cacti hover over the edge between anchors.

When we moved, I quickly noticed the different reactions on both sides. People we were leaving behind practically were saying, "Are you sure you want to go through with this? There are a lot of uncertain factors at stake." After arriving in Texas, new people we talked to simply stated, "That's bold, but heck you're young enough to do it." We didn't have any jobs lined up, didn't know anybody, didn't know where to look for good apartment communities. As much research as we did on Austin, it remained a shot in the dark to pick up and move most of our things to a brand new part of the country. As we reached Nashville Dan said, "This is the furthest west I have ever been in a car."

There were a lot of fears for each of us. And still are. We are settling but still forever trying to figure out if there is any kind of rhythm to living life. I am proud of us. We heeded the warnings of our family and friends, yet still made a decision we thought was best for us. Currently, with the pulses and waves that resonate through all of us, we are hitching a ride on one that will hopefully lead us to our dreams/future careers. 

There is no certainty, at least not complete certainty. That is what I have learned so far. And that life is a little more exciting and open to you when you embrace the uncertainties. Getting married, planting a new tree in your backyard, applying to graduate schools, moving across the country. These all have unknown factors that cannot be predicted. But with the right attitude, immeasurable good can come from all of them. A lifelong bestfriend, shade/fruit/more biodiversity, a masters degree, or an exponential learning curve of a new area, people, cultures, etc.

My Qualifications as a Child Caretaker

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to you with full confidence in the position to watch over your child(ren). I believe that I exceed the necessary qualifications. Allow me to list a few of the relevant tasks that I am skilled in:

*I am very good at counting things up to 10-15 (stairs, blocks, freckles, you name it!)
*I am bilingual in the basic colors
*My passion for Disney movies and children's shows extends as far back to my birth (as long as it's not the Wiggles, Sliggles, Doodly Bop-de-bops, or any of those shows where adult men dress up in creepy androgenous costumes and try to dance/rap)
*I can explain the fundamental differences between a rock and a tree
*Some have claimed my impressions of animals are just as good as being at the zoo
*Repetition is my favorite activity
*Anything can be turned into a song (diaper changing, putting pj's on, attacking tickle monsters, you get the idea)
*The child spots the forbidden candy haphazardly left out on the counter? Oh! Did you see Elmo just came to life and jumped out of his basket (cue crazy and exaggerated arm waves/facial expressions).
*Dancing? Not a problem.

These are just a few of many talents that I have discovered. I doubt you will find someone who is as enabled as myself when it comes to children.

Yours truly,
Courtney

P.S. I have gone so far in life.

Life Beneath the Layers

I slipped on my Carhartts and headed toward the nursery, a cloudy and frigid 32 degrees outside. This is what winter is suppose to feel like, all the time. But in just a couple more days the temperatures will jump back up to feel more like early Spring.

Yesterday I had closed the greenhouses due to the icy warnings and predictions that never came to be. Now I was headed to re-open them so as the greenhouses wouldn't heat up too much to trick the plants into believing Spring had finally come.

The propagation house is filled with cuttings that were planted months ago, not by me. One day they may be full grown plants, if they can successfully root into the soil. I looked at a couple of the crops of hydrangeas and viburnums. Their leaves had browned, detached, and were in the first phases of decay. I thought to myself how dead they looked and commemorated them for putting up the good fight.

Yes, I do talk to plants sometimes. It's a habit I have gained during my years down at the nursery. I use to talk to Snickers, but once she passed away I directed my thoughts to the plants. I'm sure they listen.

I began to pick up all of the dead leaves, leaving the stems in their tiny pot homes. As I did so, I noticed that some of the stems actually had buds on them. The plants weren't dead at all!

Inspiration comes in the strangest of forms sometimes.

"Sometimes you just need to pick off the dead leaves to find the life surviving beneath."

The Challenge in "Resting"

Over the past several weeks I have learned how to make beeswax lotion and candles, coconut-based shampoo/body wash, sketched garden ideas, job hunted, taught myself some new Yoga moves, indulged some Natural Science love, rekindled poetry, obsessed over my niece and cat, reflected the meaning of life and much more.

I have also watched a lot of Angel, MI-5, Once Upon A Time, movies, stalked Facebook, began Tweeting, created a Pinterest account and other guilty vice pleasures.

I feel I have grown much closer to my family in the past few months.

The greatest challenge is that there has been very little challenge involved. And I directly relate challenges to growth.

Physically not much has happened (no climbing, no backpacking, minimal hangboard workouts and hiking) and I find myself quite angsty. Emotionally there has been a lot of running to and fro, leaving me exhausted and bewildered. At most times people do not realize the internal hysteria and panic that rushes through my veins during times like these.

As a person that strongly believes every period in our lives significantly guides us in a future direction, I am often left at the end of my thoughts wondering, "Where the heck is this period of rest leading me?" Many people can take times like this and create something big out of it. Me, well I find that when I remain constantly busy I am much more motivated to jump into other productive facets. Galileo's Law of Inertia comes to mind. I require a constant external force to keep the momentum going.

Two years after creating this blog I am still learning how to shape motivation internally. My life is about to go through a very pivotal change.

A Place Where Dreams Come True

(I began this post before leaving for Thailand...obviously. I never got a chance to post it. So here it is months after my return!)

Wes and I finally had the chance to sit down and begin my first Thai lesson. He began palms together over his heart, "Sawat dee krap." Easy, I thought. I know this one. I responded with the female greeting, "Sawat dee ka." And we began.

Typically, I can pick up on the basics of languages fairly quickly. In high school I received the Spanish Award by our Senor. In college I took two semesters of Hellenistic Greek with about eight other students. My teacher also awarded me with the "Excellence in Hellenistic Greek" award gifted with a book of Greek Proverbs. In Germany last summer I studiously flipped through the pages of the German guidebook in the airport and fervently asked vocabulary and sentence structure questions to Annett. By the end of the two weeks I could pick up some pieces of conversations and ask/answer more than just basic questions (in rough German). Languages to me are a peek into cultures. Many words and phrases are inappropriately translated because the cultural interactions behind them are missing.

"Kun bpai nai?" "Pom ja bpai Thailand."

We went over all the phrases to help Daniel and I find places, ask for prices, tell people where we are going, etc. Wes iterated that it did not matter how well we could say the inflections, because about 90% of the tourists in Thailand do not even worry about learning the language.

He then transitioned to the "magic" of Thailand. "It is a place where dreams come true," came very matter-of-factly out of his mouth. My first thought traveled to Disney World set in Thailand. But he continued, "If you open your heart to Thailand, it will answer your questions and dreams." Wes followed that statement with personal stories of his and friends that had similar experiences.

Wouldn't it be nice. For my dreams to come true. All I desire is an answer to my single question, "What actually is my dream?"

Where is Our Community?

There seems to be a trend in our American society. In our fast-paced, dispersing, diverse society. Each time a new shooting occurs conversations circle around stupidity, hatred, gun control, mental illnesses. After the most recent events at Sandy Hook I heard a woman say, "Well, he has to be stupid in order to do something like that." We place blame wherever we can see fit, countless reasons to fathom.

We see what is there, but we do not notice what is lacking. And the blame is on each and every one of us, as a nation. We consider those who separate right and wrong as mentally "normal" and people who do these tragic things as just not "fit enough" to handle life's harsh lessons. I, personally, am frustrated with the judgment and hatred we put towards those who commit crimes because we feel we need to defend those who have suffered in ways no person should ever have to.

For each crime that is committed, we are all responsible no matter how physically distant from the act we are. And that is because we are an interconnected community, yet we do not function the way a community should. Really a "community" is a very hypocritical concept in America. Truer acts of this are presently rarely seen in the states.

If we are to be a community then we are held responsible for looking out for one another; our neighbors, friends, family members, local residents, and others further away. We would think about how our wasteful actions affect those downstream. We wouldn't hear a child's parents beating him/her nextdoor and allow it to continue. Cruelty of several kinds would be very difficult to pull of. Accountability would have a greater value to us. But oh how we so desire to live reclusive lifestyles in the beautiful countryside where nobody can judge us for our mistakes. I resonate with the latter concept, and is why I bring it up.

I recently read about an island in Greece(really there are a few in Greece with the same results) that is known for residents experiencing lengthy and healthy lives. One key, among several, was the tight knit community. “Even if you’re antisocial, you’ll never be entirely alone.” (NYT article on Sardinia). It is not just about healthy lives in terms of length, but about how they are living. 

If we were to hold each other accountable imagine how our nation could change. We DO need people to comment on our mistakes. We do need others to see us slip up, laugh with us and allow us to grow without inhibition. There is not a lot of science or research behind the next thought, but if we took these measures I believe there would be less violence, less mental illnesses, less inmates, less elderly forced into nursing homes, less unhappiness, etc. We can do more good as a national community if little by little we set examples for each other. Becoming so close with one another is quite foreign and uncomfortable at first. It means always having someone asking how you are doing, or to go out for a snack and conversation and not just surfacing questions but digging deep into your well being. But it is well worth the initial aggravations. I am very much guilty of taking advantage of introvert behavior rather than seeking out a friend for a laugh or serious talk. And maybe that is our crutch. It is just so easy to find an escape and excuse. We don't like people to say negative things about us, no matter how constructive it may be. But how will we ever grow as people if we don't hear those things? 

Our DNA desires for us to be social. What happens when you put a social animal in a cage by itself? 

Happiness vs. Optimism

Recently I journeyed to the Red River Gorge"ous" to surprise Dan who had been on a brief solo climbing adventure. By the end of the weekend I began reflecting on the dichotomy of  happiness and optimism. They are masked by their abundant similarities to seem as interchangeable terms. But they are different, and very much so.

That weekend I climbed harder routes than I have been able to in just about a year's worth of time. A hand "injury" has held me back for quite some time. Whenever I reached anything at a 5.9 grade or pulled on a hold at just the precise angle, pain would shoot through my hand and radiate. Unexplained it came and went and my spirits toward climbing declined. But I still went outside on occasion. I remained OPTIMISTIC that I still enjoyed being outside, with friends, climbing on fun boulders and routes even if I had to hold back on how much I did. The optimism was there, sometimes quickly fleeting, but the feeling of being beat down lurked beneath the shallow positivity.

The inherent happiness that comes with climbing slowly evaporated away and I found myself asking why I still held on. Climbing reached a point that it no longer made me happy. The weekend I climbed without the hindrance of pain I felt happiness rush back into my soul like a fresh storm. I remembered how to connect with the route and the pure feeling returned of enjoying a beautiful, sunny day filled with friendly strangers and puppies to pet. And with that joy, my optimism lifted without restrain.

Optimism usually follows happiness, but happiness does not always follow optimism.

I see many people who are optimistic. But I wonder if it is because they are happy, or if it is just a mask to hide the questions lingering inside. I wonder if the smiles and laughter come from a deeper place, genuine. Rather is it a facade in an attempt to cover internal chaos?

Sometimes I believe we just need a reminder when the pain has gone away to tell us why we continue on with the decisions we have set for ourselves in life. To remember that there is happiness to be found in our situations.   A cleansing of life and a return to contentment of the raw components of who we are.

Motivation Not to Procrastinate

I have determined that my love of getting to bed before 1 AM outweighs my willingness to procrastinate.

I am even willing to leave my paper without a conclusion until tomorrow so I can go to bed.

Lesson to be learned: get shit done earlier.

Motivation to Climb

Earlier today an epiphany came to me while ending a beautiful afternoon at Rumbling Bald. It was easily 70 with full sunshine. I can count on one hand the number of times I have been bouldering outdoors in the daylight since the Fall semester began. On two hands I can count the number of times I have been climbing period since then. Setbacks resulting for mysterious hand pain have frustrated me, a hefty school load keeps me exhausted with continual work, and pure lack of motivation has kept me from something I use to love doing.

A gorgeous day after Thanksgiving was just the motivation to get out. My guide book was accidentally left in Boone so I had to do without. All of the boulders that I happened to stumble upon were completely new to me and only leftover chalked up holds were left as my directors. I just climbed. Nobody around. Nobody spilling beta vomit. Quiet. Perfect. All the "problems" took a few tries. But there wasn't any way for me to know the grade, and for ultimately the expectations to get into my head. I didn't care. Sheer excitement of these boulders lying just beyond the popular circuit with such creative and fun movments rare to discover kept me pumped to get back on again and again. No hand pain. No sketchy lands. No pushing for my Umpteenth V-Whatever of the month. Quiet. Perfect.

As I fell onto my pad below a chossy boulder where I made friends with a curious, young black rat snake I thought about how I felt toward climbing. About why I have not pushed myself to go to the school gym. This day, like the problems I climbed, was one in few. It was for days like today that I fell in love with climbing. It was being outdoors, in the curves of a mountainside, with no final goals whatsoever except to try what seemed challenging and groovy. There was no way for me to tell the grade of each problem. Not very high, I know for sure. But also no names to drop to people in casual conversation, so that without admitting my grade they instinctively know by nominal association that yes, I did in fact just climb another V-121 (not a real grade if any non-climbers are reading this). It was just climbing. No competition, even friendly. It wasn't for looks and high numbers. It wasn't for building up awesome abs and stellar guns. It was for me. It was to flush out all of the stress build-up from this semester. It wasn't the instigator of the crushing and twisiting of my soul, it was the alleviator.

The way I felt today reminded me of the owners of the two pads I took with me. Mike Aubrey, who lended his crash pad to me before he left for California, steps out the door looking for an adventure everyday. Whenever I think of him I imagine him nonchalantly strolling into the woods with only necessities on his back accepting whatever path falls below his feet. And then Daniel, who is just as excited for someone climbing outside for the first time as he would be for a stranger climbing cruising up every V10 he/she comes upon. He is one of few that can re-ignite my will to give another go after being shut down continuously in a day. Attitudes like those and that I have seen in them and in very few others recently inspires and motivates me to keep pushing through hindrances and doubts.

As a friend told me once, "I'm not going to go crush. I am going to go climb."

End rant.

How To Move to Thailand...

or possibly How Not to Move to Thailand.

I have never planned my own adventure into another country, and Thailand won't be an easy job. Luckily, I won't have to do the planning alone over these next several months. Planning ahead is not really a forte of mine. I am more of the "up and go" on a whim sort of person but when you expect to find a place to live and a job in a country that is thriving on sex trafficking of women (a huge portion of Thailand's GDP), a little bit of planning is probable in decreasing your likelihood of coerced abduction. As my FCC adventure staff director always says: Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss-Poor Performance.

Here is what I have discovered thus far in the beginning stages of our process to be in Thailand by the end of this summer:

1. Find a reliable site that gives you information on when to apply for a Visa and what type of shots you will be needing. travel.state.gov is good for any general information on countries including entry and exit requirements, and how to prevent yourself from being arrested by the same cops who promote the sex trafficking of naive, young woman travelers. An appreciated service to have. Also, look at the country's embassy site. The one for Thailand is the Royal Thai Embassy.

2. Figure out generally what you want to be doing and begin to look for opportunities in different regions. Often I have become frustrated with the lack of job openings for my field of study, and once and again I threaten to just show up in Thailand and renew the search. In moments of clarification I realize this is a terrible idea. Even be creative. If you have special skills that you may offer a company look into contacting them about providing you the opportunity to come over and help them out. I started making an Excel sheet of National Parks I would be interested in working for in Thailand and Malaysia (just in case) and will one by one look in to each of them.

3. Start saving money now. It is much less expensive to live over there but you never know what kind of shenannigans might happen while abroad. Expect the unexpected is a popular cliche for a purpose.

That's pretty much it so far. More than likely once 3 weeks prior to take-off rolls around I will be completely re-thinking the efficiency of my planning methods. Plans in the near future are to start learning some of the basic words and phrases, and creating a more in-depth plan.

The thrill of adventure is sneaking up on me.

Seasonal Love

I love when the sun hits Autumn's template
And the way a crisp breeze sweeps through the trees
Scattering leaves into the rush of air
And pursuing to meander
Down toward the earth to rest

As the season advances
And the ground begins to firm
I miss the golden rays of light

But I love when lights reflect off the snow
And how gently a bird's tracks imprint on the soft surface
All is placid and whispered
Only the crunch of footsteps,
Or the flapping of waxwings on ashes,
And the call of a chickadee
Ignite the wisps of air with harmonies

As the season advances
And the ground begins to soften
I miss the smell of choke puffing from chimneys

But I love when the buds shimmy heavy ice from the branches
With promise of magnolia blossoms soon to come
As the ease of green washes over the landscape
Painting flesh over the bare bark
Furnishing shelter for the flocks and choruses

As the season advances
And the ground begins to warm
I miss the whisper of intrinsic beginnings

But I love the sounds of bullfrogs along the lake
And lightning bugs glittering the air
Storms cool with a sweet smell of rain
As thunder soothes my soul to rest

As the season advances
And the greens turn to colors again
I miss the laziness of heat and retreating naps in the shade