Demolition and the Rebuild

Today as I waited on a friend to come and pick me up I witnessed the demolition of a class Austin small home. All over South Austin unique homes are flattened and boring "eco-friendly" boxes are built in place. The character of Austin is deteriorating at an incredible rate.

It was sad. To see something that contained memories, good and bad, and a 50-year history be destroyed in just a few moments. Demolitions of homes are sad indeed.

But in my own life these past few weeks I have moved through my own demolitions. Dismantling many barriers to find fears behind them, hidden like cockroaches in crevices and just as nasty to look at. There have been moments where I have faced with myself moments of intense honesty and brutal realizations. These tough tidbits are worth it.

I find myself dating back to moments of pain that happened over two years ago that built impenetrable mounds of self preservation. Slowly, I am moving forward until I hit another impediment.

One thing I have discovered is how emotional of a person I am, in all ranges. I am empathetic, I get hurt easily, I cry way more than I like to admit, but it also incredibly easy to bring up my mood. For a long time I have felt there is something wrong with me that I get this way. And there are things I can do to help my mind remain more on ground level. But it is never wrong for me to feel the way I do. My emotions may seem silly and invalidated sometimes, but I know they are. That doesn't mean I can control when those feelings will arise.

To be told that there is no reason for my emotions, or to have them turned into an untruth it attempts for others to explain them, is incredibly hurtful. If you have someone in your life who is emotional, you will drive yourself to anger if you try to reason every inexplicable emotion that person is having. As a society, we fail at letting things go. Recently there are angry videos surrounding the "fraudulent" faint during one of Obama's speeches, where he turned to steady the girl. People just cannot brush it off, whether it is fake or not. But we must be able to let things go when it comes to the people we love in our lives. We don't have to understand everything about them, but we can accept and love them for them. Once we embrace this capacity, then we can love more than we thought imaginable.

Our past is just as much a part of us as the present. We can live in the moment but if we have not come to terms with what has happened to us, then we become infected with the negativity and pain. And, "if we have pain, all we have to offer is pain."

These past few weeks have been quite inspiring, though often at times very tough. But growth is happening and exciting secret plans are being made! I cannot wait for my next move forward.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a mighty tool. But in the past I have falsely believed that maybe there are some things that cannot be forgiven and must be let go of by other means. In years time it may take a major event in order to recognize the negative impact unforgiving has played in one's life. If we never truly let go, then a burden sears anger, lack of patience, and frustration into our daily lives.

In my own, I feel I have been inhibited. That in the past couple of years, especially since graduating from college, I have not nurtured my hobbies and dedication to the natural world. Maybe I have not nurtured these because I never forgave. But the words, "I forgive you" even sound arrogant to me. Shouldn't we more say to another, "I have let go of the grudge,"? Maybe you don't need to be forgiven. And maybe I don't need to be forgiven. But the negative association has been lifted. No one is at fault because we were both at fault. When memories lay heavy on our hearts, they become fetters. We cannot excel in other facets of life because of this limiting factor.

Lately I have been attempting to meditate on the places where I have felt my greatest peace. Tennet Mountain on several occasions, Big Rock Trail in DuPont, the top of Moore Cove waterfall, slowly swimming laps in an empty pool. These images bring back reflections of peace of mind and heart. When I do this I feel a type of emptiness that is followed by rejuvenation. Why have I not done this before? Why have I not given myself the jumpstart that I so longingly desired?

In a while, I have lacked hope of a new beginning. And here is one set in front of me. I am not completely lifted of my fetter, the "unforgivable" act, but I feel the chains loosening. As they do, doors are beginning to open. If I keep those pieces of WNC in my mind, then I am able to tip-toe into the first steps of moving forward.