Today as I waited on a friend to come and pick me up I witnessed the demolition of a class Austin small home. All over South Austin unique homes are flattened and boring "eco-friendly" boxes are built in place. The character of Austin is deteriorating at an incredible rate.
It was sad. To see something that contained memories, good and bad, and a 50-year history be destroyed in just a few moments. Demolitions of homes are sad indeed.
But in my own life these past few weeks I have moved through my own demolitions. Dismantling many barriers to find fears behind them, hidden like cockroaches in crevices and just as nasty to look at. There have been moments where I have faced with myself moments of intense honesty and brutal realizations. These tough tidbits are worth it.
I find myself dating back to moments of pain that happened over two years ago that built impenetrable mounds of self preservation. Slowly, I am moving forward until I hit another impediment.
One thing I have discovered is how emotional of a person I am, in all ranges. I am empathetic, I get hurt easily, I cry way more than I like to admit, but it also incredibly easy to bring up my mood. For a long time I have felt there is something wrong with me that I get this way. And there are things I can do to help my mind remain more on ground level. But it is never wrong for me to feel the way I do. My emotions may seem silly and invalidated sometimes, but I know they are. That doesn't mean I can control when those feelings will arise.
To be told that there is no reason for my emotions, or to have them turned into an untruth it attempts for others to explain them, is incredibly hurtful. If you have someone in your life who is emotional, you will drive yourself to anger if you try to reason every inexplicable emotion that person is having. As a society, we fail at letting things go. Recently there are angry videos surrounding the "fraudulent" faint during one of Obama's speeches, where he turned to steady the girl. People just cannot brush it off, whether it is fake or not. But we must be able to let things go when it comes to the people we love in our lives. We don't have to understand everything about them, but we can accept and love them for them. Once we embrace this capacity, then we can love more than we thought imaginable.
Our past is just as much a part of us as the present. We can live in the moment but if we have not come to terms with what has happened to us, then we become infected with the negativity and pain. And, "if we have pain, all we have to offer is pain."
These past few weeks have been quite inspiring, though often at times very tough. But growth is happening and exciting secret plans are being made! I cannot wait for my next move forward.
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