Gearing Up

One of my many afternoons spent at the waterfall with the dogs.

In just under two weeks I will have hit the one year mark of my return from South Africa, Lesotho, England and France. I will hit the one year of my dramatic (for me) ending, with an envelope in my hand sitting on a bench outside a cathedral in the city of Paris holding back tears. That recap can be found on my other blog, "Exploring Jai." Last year I returned to the U.S. absolutely devastated and broken. The transformation in just this one year has humbled me.
First of all let me say that I could not have done it without the love of my family, especially my parents, the comradery of my sisters, and the innocent joy of my niece and nephew. When I told my dad about my Student VISA rejection without missing a beat he said, "Come home and start over." And I did.

My immediate family this past Thanksgiving. These were our last holidays spent with our Aunt Pam (upper left) this year.

The whole reconstruction of my life seemed to take baby steps at first. Initially I focused on my internal approach to my recent failure. I am not afraid of the worth failure anymore, by the way. Running and meditation became daily exercises. I focused on growing and never losing the passion that I had discovered while in South Africa. I refused to let myself settle again. I found healing in the autumn colors of North Carolina, wrapping their arms around me in comfort like a familiar blanket. I discovered a species of salamander that had taken me years to find. In hindsight, an omen. My renewal began like a trickle as I was just trying to rediscover my trail.

Two of the best farm companions a girl could ask for. Definitely made me feel safer exploring the dry valley bushveld on my own.

My campsite at Imfolozi Game Reserve.

Then I found an "in-the-meantime" job, bought a truck, made great new friends, applied for volunteer positions. Every job offer in my field of study seemed to required years of experience or, yep, a Masters Degree (which is what I was suppose to be earning in England). Slaps in the face. I shrugged them off but they sunk deeper with each job rejection that so many of us know I began to wonder where I was headed. I respected those who attempted to comfort me but the internal truths of each decline weighed heavy on an already loaded heart. I celebrated the littlest of successes. I began to wake up and immediately think of something to be grateful for.

Then March came and volunteer educator position opened up within the USFS. I figured I would put in "x" number of months or years with the USFS before having enough experience that they might consider hiring me. Within a couple of weeks their non-profit partner offered me an internship opening. I was doing something I love. Finally. And the trickle grew to a steady flow. Life came back into my spirit. The idea of trying for graduate school again seeped out the deep crevices of my mind where I had hastily harbored them to. I began to looking forward.

View of some of the cliffs at MNR.

And now here I am. Somewhat finding myself in a similar position as March 2014- looking forward to a trip to South Africa and thinking about graduate school. South Africa last year easily captured me. The drive to Mhlopeni Nature Reserve hooked me instantaneously.  I was thriving and swimming in new discoveries of myself and of a new world filled with flora and fauna of such rich diversity. From one of my early posts:

                "Ordinary tasks become way cooler when the sounds of African mammals are calling in the distance. Hanging my laundry earlier I could hear the zebra yelping in the valley. On most mornings while I eat breakfast I sit on the verandah and watch a gray Lanner falcon at its nest on the facing cliff. Just now I hear impala barking at each other near the stream below."

Up on top of one of the mountains surrounding MNR. A massive termite mound.

Now I am gearing up for this new adventure! Be sure to read up on the "Exploring Jai" blog come early November. The spitting cobras won't be in hibernation this time, and my plans take me into explorations underwater. My heart is returning to the wild landscapes that took me in and made me stronger, better.

Sunset over the river on our last night at Imfolozi Wilderness Leadership School. Life changing.

"Since watching a family of nine giraffe and a colony of bats during dusk across the river from our campsite in Imfulozi, I have acknowledged something stirring. My time at the waterfall yesterday afternoon opened me up to what that may be. And it's scary! But there are exciting times ahead, as long as my heart stays straight."

All Eyes on You, 2014

Tonight I kept up with my longstanding tradition of voluntarily spending New Year's alone. A couple of them

My blurry image of this prime, quiet spot for ultimate firework
viewing.

were spent on the dock listening to the neighbors' party guests yell out the countdown, reading Frankenstein in my parents' living room, just flat out asleep, and one or two others. Last year I broke that tradition and spent it with a large crowd of loved peoples, and my first New Year's kiss since I was 14'ish. This year, alone on a milk crate with a 180 degree view of Town Lake and fireworks filling the skyline it felt good to get back into the old ways as lonely as they may be. If there were a duck nearby, I would have grabbed it and given it a kiss.

I am a being of reflection. So much so that I make the reflection of the Tetons over a glacial lake on a still day look blurry. If you've ever questioned my ability to reflect, then you don't know me that well and have obviously never visited this blog before. And that is not to say that I reflect well or in the right direction. But if a day goes by that I have not reflected on it, then it means something bigger must be on my mind.

So naturally New Year's is a time where everyone reflects on their past 364 days.

And naturally I fall into that year after year.

But this year....

Nope.

I know a lot of people that have had a much worse 2013 than I could imagine. It really seems it just has been a tough year for many people. At times it felt like I was wading through glue. 2013 did not really give me much. I moved to a new city and worked full time. That's the gist of it. But really, I didn't receive anything most likely because I didn't give anything either. And with all the people that I have met that are absolutely deserving of good fortune and an easy break, who am I to ask for better? Many out there truly deserve better.

So if I am not reflecting (anymore at least because let's be honest I've been reflecting about 2013 on an hourly basis all year) then what am I doing?

Just trying to keep my head up and move forward because I am sick and tired of getting tossed flaming bags of dog poop every time I attempt to take a step. That's over. Do you hear that, 2014? It's over. 2013 was a bully and now we are playing by my rules, and I promise I will try to return to my passions, inspirations, curiosities, and affections for travel.

If you've had a tough 2013, I am here to state again: 2014 is going to be better. It just has to be.

Type 9 With a 1 Wing

Let's talk about the Enneagram shall we?

First of all, when you search the leading sites regarding the Enneagram (ie. enneagraminstitutue; enneagram.net, etc), you may find that this personality theory, based from hundreds to thousands of years of spiritual oral tradition, is all about fluffing up your traits. When a lot of people look into these things they want to know the good things about themselves, and so naturally websites will focus on the pros and only lightly touch on the cons. This is not what the Enneagram is truly based upon.

So for example, a label is often associated with each personality type. I am a type 9 and most websites label this type as "Peacemaker." However, the essence of the Enneagram is based upon how we have trained ourselves to survive, labeled as compulsions. Our personality is a "sin," where sin is defined as anything that is a hindrance to our true selves. So instead of being labeled as a peacemaker, I should be labeled by my compulsion: Avoidance of Conflict. I desire for everything and everyone to be in a state of harmony but to do that I have adapted an avoidance of conflict. I am not saying that there aren't positive traits to each type, but the base of the Enneagram is to discover our true selves and reach a sense of spiritual enlightenment, so to say. In order to do this we have to whap down the fluff and get to the real, gritty core.

http://www.enneagramwork.com/welcome.html -This sites provides ways for others to relate with personality types.

http://www.enneagram.net/types.html -A good sites for more detailed descriptions of each type.

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/dis_sample_36.asp#.UpgJCoXbJr0 -Short, 36 question test. I like that this site gives traits at different levels of personal health.

My roommate has a book that details the history of the Enneagram and moves through the types on a very deeper basis. It's pretty good. Pretty much 17 times more helpful than the websites I've looked at in pursuing "a journey of self discovery." Fluff will only melt away in your hands, and in the end is just a temporary happy filling. Vices are tangibly harder, and you can have exhilarating battles against them. Coming on top stronger and better. I am currently reading the Hobbit and have had attempted an outlook on life very similar to the adventures of Bilbo and the dwarves.

Being a type 9 makes me intensely empathetic, and I am very happy to be associated with many of the nice traits that can come from obtaining a mentally and physically healthy type 9 personality. But there are truer discoveries to be made when taking the less appealing traits and chewing on them for a while. My dilemma is that I cannot stop putting others before myself and my own needs (as Type 9 graciously points out), but in order to begin the road to self discovery this is exactly what I need to do.

I encourage everyone to take a look at their own personality types via the free short test in the link above. And share with people in your lives. If we could understand that we are all not the same (we all coping in various ways), then we would be able to get along with each other and effectively communicate better.

The world would be a better place. It just would.

Among Other Things, Respect

Full disclosure: The past couple of months have been grueling. Not necessarily bad, just very intense. Just 5 days ago I was prancing around the garden center, choreographing moves to my musical "The Grand Outdoors" and laughing. After a great day of climbing at Camp Eagle this past weekend I sat alone by the river, listened to a toad calling out to the night, watched the moon and clouds reflect brightly over the water and thought to myself, "I have been in a bad mood for a year." And truly, I have.

Over the past several weeks I have tried to maintain a candidness in myself  that I have never before experienced. I have wanted to grow and be completely honest with myself. It is so easy for us to say, "Well, this is not my fault. That other person should have done such and such." Instead of that I may say, "He should have respected me, but I also should have done better at demanding that respect from him with my presence and words.' And that has been my theme this past week: respect.

What I've learned is that there is a fine line between accepting something as disrespectful or receiving an action as a product of the other's personality that isn't intending to be disrespectful and that we cannot change. Because we cannot change personalities of others. But we can say, "When you say/do that, I feel disrespected." And if there personality is of character, then he/she will try to honor that request in the future.

Two nights ago I am hoping was the pinnacle of this rough and rocky terrain. I came home from a great two days of climbing and good times to find that my house had been broken into and my things along with my two roommates' things had been sorted through and taken. It took a few moments for me to realize what happened, I quickly searched the house with my guard up that someone could still be there, and in the loneliness of my new home my nerves began to shatter.

Later that evening I got stung by a honeybee and out of precaution I took a Benadryl. I fell asleep quite early and remained in a state of emotional numbness for 36 hours. Yesterday I just "was." Benadryl is a powerful drug for small people. But I never experienced anger, or the "Why me?" phase. But I did feel disrespected.

Last night I went to bed early out of grogginess, and about midnight I woke and the numbness had been broken. Quickly after that came the breakdown and tears (Boo, poor me.) But they weren't tears for sadness, they weren't tears of frustration. They just came. When you experience 1,001 emotions in just such a short period of time they need a way to escape. And escape they did. I asked for understanding and told myself I am strong until I fell back asleep. "I'm feeling a lot better. I think I will go for a walk." *Monty Python reference*

 No good backpacker knows anything about the terrain by staying in the valley. Sometimes you have to take the grueling 1 mile hike to the top of Pilot mountain in order to see the beautiful overlook of Blue Ridge Parkway with a strong sense of "I did it." And from there, you can know where you are headed.

*

Demolition and the Rebuild

Today as I waited on a friend to come and pick me up I witnessed the demolition of a class Austin small home. All over South Austin unique homes are flattened and boring "eco-friendly" boxes are built in place. The character of Austin is deteriorating at an incredible rate.

It was sad. To see something that contained memories, good and bad, and a 50-year history be destroyed in just a few moments. Demolitions of homes are sad indeed.

But in my own life these past few weeks I have moved through my own demolitions. Dismantling many barriers to find fears behind them, hidden like cockroaches in crevices and just as nasty to look at. There have been moments where I have faced with myself moments of intense honesty and brutal realizations. These tough tidbits are worth it.

I find myself dating back to moments of pain that happened over two years ago that built impenetrable mounds of self preservation. Slowly, I am moving forward until I hit another impediment.

One thing I have discovered is how emotional of a person I am, in all ranges. I am empathetic, I get hurt easily, I cry way more than I like to admit, but it also incredibly easy to bring up my mood. For a long time I have felt there is something wrong with me that I get this way. And there are things I can do to help my mind remain more on ground level. But it is never wrong for me to feel the way I do. My emotions may seem silly and invalidated sometimes, but I know they are. That doesn't mean I can control when those feelings will arise.

To be told that there is no reason for my emotions, or to have them turned into an untruth it attempts for others to explain them, is incredibly hurtful. If you have someone in your life who is emotional, you will drive yourself to anger if you try to reason every inexplicable emotion that person is having. As a society, we fail at letting things go. Recently there are angry videos surrounding the "fraudulent" faint during one of Obama's speeches, where he turned to steady the girl. People just cannot brush it off, whether it is fake or not. But we must be able to let things go when it comes to the people we love in our lives. We don't have to understand everything about them, but we can accept and love them for them. Once we embrace this capacity, then we can love more than we thought imaginable.

Our past is just as much a part of us as the present. We can live in the moment but if we have not come to terms with what has happened to us, then we become infected with the negativity and pain. And, "if we have pain, all we have to offer is pain."

These past few weeks have been quite inspiring, though often at times very tough. But growth is happening and exciting secret plans are being made! I cannot wait for my next move forward.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a mighty tool. But in the past I have falsely believed that maybe there are some things that cannot be forgiven and must be let go of by other means. In years time it may take a major event in order to recognize the negative impact unforgiving has played in one's life. If we never truly let go, then a burden sears anger, lack of patience, and frustration into our daily lives.

In my own, I feel I have been inhibited. That in the past couple of years, especially since graduating from college, I have not nurtured my hobbies and dedication to the natural world. Maybe I have not nurtured these because I never forgave. But the words, "I forgive you" even sound arrogant to me. Shouldn't we more say to another, "I have let go of the grudge,"? Maybe you don't need to be forgiven. And maybe I don't need to be forgiven. But the negative association has been lifted. No one is at fault because we were both at fault. When memories lay heavy on our hearts, they become fetters. We cannot excel in other facets of life because of this limiting factor.

Lately I have been attempting to meditate on the places where I have felt my greatest peace. Tennet Mountain on several occasions, Big Rock Trail in DuPont, the top of Moore Cove waterfall, slowly swimming laps in an empty pool. These images bring back reflections of peace of mind and heart. When I do this I feel a type of emptiness that is followed by rejuvenation. Why have I not done this before? Why have I not given myself the jumpstart that I so longingly desired?

In a while, I have lacked hope of a new beginning. And here is one set in front of me. I am not completely lifted of my fetter, the "unforgivable" act, but I feel the chains loosening. As they do, doors are beginning to open. If I keep those pieces of WNC in my mind, then I am able to tip-toe into the first steps of moving forward.

Great Advice

This is the time in my life when all that advice my wise mentors handed out to me over my childhood should come into good use. I remember hearing several things over the years and thinking to myself, "I really should remember this for the future." I even tried to write all the good ones down, but that seemed to be very short lived.

So where did all that good advice go? Advice doesn't only matter if it is only the pieces that have sunk in to my memory, does it? If that is the case, then the advice someone once gave me about how shaving makes your hair grow back quicker and thicker falls under the "great advice" category. My dad is great with using quotes as excellent pieces of wisdom. He began every soccer season by giving the team a list of encouraging and inspirational stories and snippets. Following his lead, I strove to always have a quote on hand for any occasion. But as it turns out I have the memory of a goldfish and memorization does not bow down willingly. And as it turns out, only using quotes to sound well-read and wise in the ways of the world only makes you look pretentious. Under the surface, I am still aching for a lesson.

I truly hope that I took every piece of advice to heart and that it has seeped into my core. I hope that those words were not wasted. I hope that I have been shaped and molded in a way that I can develop my own experiences in order to obtain my own idioms for the future.