Secret Birthday not so Secret Anymore

February 6, 2008:
"Hello?"
"Courtney, hey! How are you doing?"
"I'm alright, how are you?"
"Not bad. I heard about Caroline's mom and I wanted to call you and see if you're doing okay."
"Oh. Yeah. I am alright thanks. I think I am going home tomorrow. I appreciate your call."
"Absolutely. Just let me know if you or Caroline need anything."
"Thanks, again and I will let you know. Bye."

As I hung up the phone I thought to myself, "She didn't wish me a happy birthday." That was when narcissism slapped me in the face. No, it didn't just slap me, I was knocked breathless by it. As soon as the thought dissipated, even for as brief as it felt, I wondered how I could even care what day it was when one of the people I shared Epworth by the Sea, hill excursions, and Salkehatchie memories with had just lost her mom only 24 hours before.

In the months before my mom had been keeping me in constant update of Susan's health. As soon as she knew something I knew. Once and again Caroline and I would touch base but we did not talk about how she was feeling much of the time. She was still a senior in high school and I was a freshman at GC and we were separated by 3 hours and busy schedules. I often looked to her and stood back in amazement at how completely understanding, calm, and strong she and her entirely family were. By January, Susan's months had turned into just weeks, and soon those to only days. My heart sank when I received an online message from Caroline revealing all the fears that a daughter would experience from losing a parent. Only a year ago had she held me late into the night as I cried. She said to me then, "I wish I could carry the pain for you." It was when I received that message that I discovered what she had meant that night. I wanted so badly to take that hurt off of her shoulders. She was carrying more weight as the oldest sister than anyone could see. As my birthday drew closer, and Susan's health declined, my friends would ask what I wanted for my birthday and I had no material possession in mind.

I wanted a reverse of events. I wanted for a miracle. For her to get better. For somehow her declination to abruptly stop and her cancer to be swept away. I had seen her just a couple of weeks before she passed and even though she was tired, she still smiled bright and genuinely to ask me about school and life. It was inspirational. That is how she was. Inspirational and determined.

February 5, 2008:
I was at a small concert for one of GC's events with my friend Tony. Mom called on my phone and I knew she was relaying more news. Susan had passed away and I sank to the ground, hidden behind a column. Back in my dorm room I read aloud portions Lamentations 3 to a couple of friends that were with me.

"I have been deprived of peace;
I have forgotten what prosperity is...
I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them, and my sould is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we
are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning.
Great is your faithfulness."

Susan was countless number of things to hundreds of people. She was loved as an elementary school teacher, as a co-worker, as the Pastor's wife and active member of the church and community, as a friend, mother, and so on. Susan played several roles and she played them with every bit that was embedded and instilled in her. Her death was also several things for different people. For me, it re-defined a day: my birthday. It has become a day that I do not want to celebrate for myself. I want to do something for another person, or withdraw myself from my everyday lifestyle and reflect. I have attempted this the past couple of years and it somewhat gets backfired. This year, I have it all planned. Initially, I wanted to disappear all day (which is a Sunday) and keep the whole thing secret until after February 6 was over. But as I masterminded the entire day I came to the realization that if I do not share what I learned from Susan's death, then what was the purpose of learning it at all?

So here I am, encouraging everyone to find a day of the year. One day. And commit it to doing something for the betterment of this world. Do it for someone you knew and loved, or do it for yourself.

I am still disappearing for a few hours on Sunday but I am no longer keeping it a secret. So here is my super secret day, don't tell anyone...

*Wake up and watch the sunrise on the Parkway and take pictures. Write. Reflect. And allow myself to become completely absorbed in the moment.
*@ 11 I have an orientation to start volunteering at the Hospitality House in downtown Boone. I think I also will get to begin actively volunteering that same day.
*After that, I dunno. Soccer, short walk, reading and coffee in Beanstalk. I'm not sure. But I do have a meeting at 6 so I can't take up too much time.

I invite you with me.