Fears and Triumphs in Uncertainty

I saw my first Greater Roadrunner (Geococcyx californianus). It was pretty stellar as they are huge, ground-dwelling cuckoos that are like the honey badger of the Southwest states: they just don't give a sh**. They eat everything! True omnivores. Scorpions, lizards, other birds and eggs, and even sometimes two roadrunners combine forces to overcome rattlesnakes for food. When explaining what the roadrunner looked like to Dan, who did not get the luxury of seeing it, I claimed he had the stance of a velociraptor and it seems they are as voracious as one too. Besides the plagues of grackles (yes, they are technically referred to as a plague) that squawk and squeal over my head on my walk to the bus after work, there have not been many cool nature sitings.

But in other aspects of living in Austin, apart from the obvious differences of lush western N.C., we have settled in pretty nicely here. This city is growing rapidly. Many people are moving out, but the numbers of newcomers has shot up over the past few years. There are job opportunities, green spaces and efforts of remaining local and sustainable, and lots of construction. There is a large construction project just on the other side of the fence of our apartment, which we've nicknamed the "Man-Girl Cave", that beeps and vrooms from 6-5 almost everyday.

Our new local crag on the Greenbelt. Cacti hover over the edge between anchors.

When we moved, I quickly noticed the different reactions on both sides. People we were leaving behind practically were saying, "Are you sure you want to go through with this? There are a lot of uncertain factors at stake." After arriving in Texas, new people we talked to simply stated, "That's bold, but heck you're young enough to do it." We didn't have any jobs lined up, didn't know anybody, didn't know where to look for good apartment communities. As much research as we did on Austin, it remained a shot in the dark to pick up and move most of our things to a brand new part of the country. As we reached Nashville Dan said, "This is the furthest west I have ever been in a car."

There were a lot of fears for each of us. And still are. We are settling but still forever trying to figure out if there is any kind of rhythm to living life. I am proud of us. We heeded the warnings of our family and friends, yet still made a decision we thought was best for us. Currently, with the pulses and waves that resonate through all of us, we are hitching a ride on one that will hopefully lead us to our dreams/future careers. 

There is no certainty, at least not complete certainty. That is what I have learned so far. And that life is a little more exciting and open to you when you embrace the uncertainties. Getting married, planting a new tree in your backyard, applying to graduate schools, moving across the country. These all have unknown factors that cannot be predicted. But with the right attitude, immeasurable good can come from all of them. A lifelong bestfriend, shade/fruit/more biodiversity, a masters degree, or an exponential learning curve of a new area, people, cultures, etc.

My Qualifications as a Child Caretaker

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to you with full confidence in the position to watch over your child(ren). I believe that I exceed the necessary qualifications. Allow me to list a few of the relevant tasks that I am skilled in:

*I am very good at counting things up to 10-15 (stairs, blocks, freckles, you name it!)
*I am bilingual in the basic colors
*My passion for Disney movies and children's shows extends as far back to my birth (as long as it's not the Wiggles, Sliggles, Doodly Bop-de-bops, or any of those shows where adult men dress up in creepy androgenous costumes and try to dance/rap)
*I can explain the fundamental differences between a rock and a tree
*Some have claimed my impressions of animals are just as good as being at the zoo
*Repetition is my favorite activity
*Anything can be turned into a song (diaper changing, putting pj's on, attacking tickle monsters, you get the idea)
*The child spots the forbidden candy haphazardly left out on the counter? Oh! Did you see Elmo just came to life and jumped out of his basket (cue crazy and exaggerated arm waves/facial expressions).
*Dancing? Not a problem.

These are just a few of many talents that I have discovered. I doubt you will find someone who is as enabled as myself when it comes to children.

Yours truly,
Courtney

P.S. I have gone so far in life.

Life Beneath the Layers

I slipped on my Carhartts and headed toward the nursery, a cloudy and frigid 32 degrees outside. This is what winter is suppose to feel like, all the time. But in just a couple more days the temperatures will jump back up to feel more like early Spring.

Yesterday I had closed the greenhouses due to the icy warnings and predictions that never came to be. Now I was headed to re-open them so as the greenhouses wouldn't heat up too much to trick the plants into believing Spring had finally come.

The propagation house is filled with cuttings that were planted months ago, not by me. One day they may be full grown plants, if they can successfully root into the soil. I looked at a couple of the crops of hydrangeas and viburnums. Their leaves had browned, detached, and were in the first phases of decay. I thought to myself how dead they looked and commemorated them for putting up the good fight.

Yes, I do talk to plants sometimes. It's a habit I have gained during my years down at the nursery. I use to talk to Snickers, but once she passed away I directed my thoughts to the plants. I'm sure they listen.

I began to pick up all of the dead leaves, leaving the stems in their tiny pot homes. As I did so, I noticed that some of the stems actually had buds on them. The plants weren't dead at all!

Inspiration comes in the strangest of forms sometimes.

"Sometimes you just need to pick off the dead leaves to find the life surviving beneath."

The Challenge in "Resting"

Over the past several weeks I have learned how to make beeswax lotion and candles, coconut-based shampoo/body wash, sketched garden ideas, job hunted, taught myself some new Yoga moves, indulged some Natural Science love, rekindled poetry, obsessed over my niece and cat, reflected the meaning of life and much more.

I have also watched a lot of Angel, MI-5, Once Upon A Time, movies, stalked Facebook, began Tweeting, created a Pinterest account and other guilty vice pleasures.

I feel I have grown much closer to my family in the past few months.

The greatest challenge is that there has been very little challenge involved. And I directly relate challenges to growth.

Physically not much has happened (no climbing, no backpacking, minimal hangboard workouts and hiking) and I find myself quite angsty. Emotionally there has been a lot of running to and fro, leaving me exhausted and bewildered. At most times people do not realize the internal hysteria and panic that rushes through my veins during times like these.

As a person that strongly believes every period in our lives significantly guides us in a future direction, I am often left at the end of my thoughts wondering, "Where the heck is this period of rest leading me?" Many people can take times like this and create something big out of it. Me, well I find that when I remain constantly busy I am much more motivated to jump into other productive facets. Galileo's Law of Inertia comes to mind. I require a constant external force to keep the momentum going.

Two years after creating this blog I am still learning how to shape motivation internally. My life is about to go through a very pivotal change.

A Place Where Dreams Come True

(I began this post before leaving for Thailand...obviously. I never got a chance to post it. So here it is months after my return!)

Wes and I finally had the chance to sit down and begin my first Thai lesson. He began palms together over his heart, "Sawat dee krap." Easy, I thought. I know this one. I responded with the female greeting, "Sawat dee ka." And we began.

Typically, I can pick up on the basics of languages fairly quickly. In high school I received the Spanish Award by our Senor. In college I took two semesters of Hellenistic Greek with about eight other students. My teacher also awarded me with the "Excellence in Hellenistic Greek" award gifted with a book of Greek Proverbs. In Germany last summer I studiously flipped through the pages of the German guidebook in the airport and fervently asked vocabulary and sentence structure questions to Annett. By the end of the two weeks I could pick up some pieces of conversations and ask/answer more than just basic questions (in rough German). Languages to me are a peek into cultures. Many words and phrases are inappropriately translated because the cultural interactions behind them are missing.

"Kun bpai nai?" "Pom ja bpai Thailand."

We went over all the phrases to help Daniel and I find places, ask for prices, tell people where we are going, etc. Wes iterated that it did not matter how well we could say the inflections, because about 90% of the tourists in Thailand do not even worry about learning the language.

He then transitioned to the "magic" of Thailand. "It is a place where dreams come true," came very matter-of-factly out of his mouth. My first thought traveled to Disney World set in Thailand. But he continued, "If you open your heart to Thailand, it will answer your questions and dreams." Wes followed that statement with personal stories of his and friends that had similar experiences.

Wouldn't it be nice. For my dreams to come true. All I desire is an answer to my single question, "What actually is my dream?"

Where is Our Community?

There seems to be a trend in our American society. In our fast-paced, dispersing, diverse society. Each time a new shooting occurs conversations circle around stupidity, hatred, gun control, mental illnesses. After the most recent events at Sandy Hook I heard a woman say, "Well, he has to be stupid in order to do something like that." We place blame wherever we can see fit, countless reasons to fathom.

We see what is there, but we do not notice what is lacking. And the blame is on each and every one of us, as a nation. We consider those who separate right and wrong as mentally "normal" and people who do these tragic things as just not "fit enough" to handle life's harsh lessons. I, personally, am frustrated with the judgment and hatred we put towards those who commit crimes because we feel we need to defend those who have suffered in ways no person should ever have to.

For each crime that is committed, we are all responsible no matter how physically distant from the act we are. And that is because we are an interconnected community, yet we do not function the way a community should. Really a "community" is a very hypocritical concept in America. Truer acts of this are presently rarely seen in the states.

If we are to be a community then we are held responsible for looking out for one another; our neighbors, friends, family members, local residents, and others further away. We would think about how our wasteful actions affect those downstream. We wouldn't hear a child's parents beating him/her nextdoor and allow it to continue. Cruelty of several kinds would be very difficult to pull of. Accountability would have a greater value to us. But oh how we so desire to live reclusive lifestyles in the beautiful countryside where nobody can judge us for our mistakes. I resonate with the latter concept, and is why I bring it up.

I recently read about an island in Greece(really there are a few in Greece with the same results) that is known for residents experiencing lengthy and healthy lives. One key, among several, was the tight knit community. “Even if you’re antisocial, you’ll never be entirely alone.” (NYT article on Sardinia). It is not just about healthy lives in terms of length, but about how they are living. 

If we were to hold each other accountable imagine how our nation could change. We DO need people to comment on our mistakes. We do need others to see us slip up, laugh with us and allow us to grow without inhibition. There is not a lot of science or research behind the next thought, but if we took these measures I believe there would be less violence, less mental illnesses, less inmates, less elderly forced into nursing homes, less unhappiness, etc. We can do more good as a national community if little by little we set examples for each other. Becoming so close with one another is quite foreign and uncomfortable at first. It means always having someone asking how you are doing, or to go out for a snack and conversation and not just surfacing questions but digging deep into your well being. But it is well worth the initial aggravations. I am very much guilty of taking advantage of introvert behavior rather than seeking out a friend for a laugh or serious talk. And maybe that is our crutch. It is just so easy to find an escape and excuse. We don't like people to say negative things about us, no matter how constructive it may be. But how will we ever grow as people if we don't hear those things? 

Our DNA desires for us to be social. What happens when you put a social animal in a cage by itself? 

Happiness vs. Optimism

Recently I journeyed to the Red River Gorge"ous" to surprise Dan who had been on a brief solo climbing adventure. By the end of the weekend I began reflecting on the dichotomy of  happiness and optimism. They are masked by their abundant similarities to seem as interchangeable terms. But they are different, and very much so.

That weekend I climbed harder routes than I have been able to in just about a year's worth of time. A hand "injury" has held me back for quite some time. Whenever I reached anything at a 5.9 grade or pulled on a hold at just the precise angle, pain would shoot through my hand and radiate. Unexplained it came and went and my spirits toward climbing declined. But I still went outside on occasion. I remained OPTIMISTIC that I still enjoyed being outside, with friends, climbing on fun boulders and routes even if I had to hold back on how much I did. The optimism was there, sometimes quickly fleeting, but the feeling of being beat down lurked beneath the shallow positivity.

The inherent happiness that comes with climbing slowly evaporated away and I found myself asking why I still held on. Climbing reached a point that it no longer made me happy. The weekend I climbed without the hindrance of pain I felt happiness rush back into my soul like a fresh storm. I remembered how to connect with the route and the pure feeling returned of enjoying a beautiful, sunny day filled with friendly strangers and puppies to pet. And with that joy, my optimism lifted without restrain.

Optimism usually follows happiness, but happiness does not always follow optimism.

I see many people who are optimistic. But I wonder if it is because they are happy, or if it is just a mask to hide the questions lingering inside. I wonder if the smiles and laughter come from a deeper place, genuine. Rather is it a facade in an attempt to cover internal chaos?

Sometimes I believe we just need a reminder when the pain has gone away to tell us why we continue on with the decisions we have set for ourselves in life. To remember that there is happiness to be found in our situations.   A cleansing of life and a return to contentment of the raw components of who we are.